A friend & I co-lead a scout troop. Several months ago, our troop scheduled an overnight trip for the beginning of May. We were all looking forward to it! But, as the date approached... we found our state & nation engulfed in a flu panic. The timing really could not have been more perfect for conflict. Had the trip been a week earlier, we wouldn't have thought twice about going.... and, likewise, if it had been a week later. But, there in the 2-3 days before we were scheduled to leave... public precaution reached it's peak and we were faced with the decision to continue or cancel. School closings were being announced daily, suspected & confirmed cases of the flu were being tallied almost up to the minute. A media blitz was in high gear!
Naturally, parental opinions ranged from one end of the scale to the other. Even my husband, not usually swayed by such things, wasn't sure it was a wise choice to go. So, trust me when I say, I lived & breathed this quandary for a couple of days: to go or not to go! I am not happy to report it, but I was totally stressed!
What I really wanted was for some 'governing authority' to make the call. I scanned the internet, listened to the news, called the local scouting office & contacted the event host.... multiple times. It wasn't exactly that I wanted to escape responsibility... it was more a feeling of being under-qualified to make the decision at hand. With so many sources of information, it was impossible to find *the* one to follow. I prayed. A lot! But, I did not sense a direction either way... and I did not feel one bit of peace. As the phone continued to ring, different people weighing in... my husband (again stating that he would rather we didn't go) commented that he would not want to be me at that moment. The decision was finally made to continue as planned, unless new information came to light. Each participant (parent) was urged to make their own personal decision as to attend or not. The almost-perfect middle ground.
I just couldn't shake the deep unrest I felt, though. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it seemed to be spiritual in nature. I had searched for an authority in the matter, but couldn't find one. When I pleaded my case to God... I didn't sense any answer... and I certainly didn't feel any peace. What was missing?
And, then it clicked!
(OK... here's where I hold my breath, type fast & get it over with quickly... this is not an easy topic for me!)
What was missing was... submission. To my husband. I finally realized that God had already provided the exact leadership I was looking for... way back when I said "I do". But, I was looking right past him. I'm not saying he should have made the call for the troop, but the truth is... I should have been looking to him to make the call for *his* family (our daughter & myself), but I was so absorbed in "my stuff" that I just didn't see it.
To give myself a little wiggle room here... he never said NOT to go. (Now THAT would have gotten my attention for sure... but probably not in a good way!) He had, however, clearly indicated it was not what he preferred. It wasn't that I was being deliberately contrary... I just didn't stop & think it out. I was wrapped up in my flurry of stress & worry. (Note to self: stress = counter-productive.)
But in the moment I made up my mind to go with his decision on the matter, I found that rest & peace I knew I was missing. I'm really not exaggerating at all... I went from knot-in-my-stomach stress to wow-that-feels-sooo-much-better peace in a matter of minutes! I quickly understood why my prayers seemed to 'fail' and why the situation was setting off spiritual alarms for me: I was working outside of God's established system.
Now that I've had some reflection time... I'm pretty amazed at God's gentle guiding in it all. I won't say that submission will ever be an easy topic for me. In fact, my generation may have one of the bigger struggles with this idea. Everything that has been culturally ingrained into us strains against it. But, wow... was this ever a powerfully tangible lesson for me. Physically tangible!
So... the end of the story? It all actually worked out just fine. When I made up my mind to follow my husband's leading, I assumed we would not be going. But, by the time a final call had to be made, he was comfortable with us going, after all. The trip was good and, without that burden of stress, I was actually able to enjoy it. But, much more valuable for me was the chance to see God's plan worked out before me. Had I held on to my personal will to choose, I would have missed out on such a blessing tucked away inside my heart!
The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
(Psalm 19:8)
