OK, so it's been a while... I do occasionally check back in on my blog & that Nov '09 post has been intimidating me for quite some time now. Not the content - just the date. I've felt like I "should" write... but instead I've just stared at the blank page not knowing what words to put forth.

For me, in the past - this might indicate a season of spiritual dryness. But that's not really the case this time. In fact, I am probably sensing the God-stirrings in me & around me more than ever before. But, unlike any other time I can recall.... it is not creating that "feeling" that calls me to write.

I sense that God just might be doing a NEW work within my heart... a cocoon stage for me, perhaps. So, for now... I eagerly & prayerfully wait.

But, so that your visit is not a complete waste... allow me to share His Word that has captured my heart for several days. It is a beautiful truth, indeed!

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." (Jeremiah 33:3)

Love to all! ~d

All in?

Let me pause right up front... because I feel the need to remind you that this platform is my place to work out thoughts... NOT a place where I claim to have THE answer. You may not agree with my 'take on it' at all... and that's ok. Truthfully, as I continue on the journey - I may not even agree with these words. But, for today...


I am finding myself in one of those seasons where God keeps bringing me to the same topic... repeatedly. I am thankful He is so very patient with me... especially when I seem to be so very slow to 'get it'!

Recently, our small group broke past some of the common social barriers & got down to a rather meaty convesation. (LOVE THAT!!) We started to dig into this idea of 'middle ground'. (If you've read my last couple of posts, you'll definitely recognize a theme here!) So, I am again in thought over this subject.

There were many facets to the conversation... but one honest & real comment has my full attention at the moment. It went something like this... "I'm not sure about this 'no middle ground' idea... because I don't see that I am all in -OR- all out. So, where does that leave me?"

Indeed! Who among us can deny this thought? I certainly can't (and I've got the blogs to prove it!).

So, I'm wondering what exactly the definition of "ALL IN" really is? Not in a 'what's the minimum I can do' sort of way.... but as a true self-examination of where I'm at, spiritually speaking.


We might all be tempted to define "ALL IN" by action...

..serving at the soup kitchen every weekend

....going off to a far away land to be a missionary

......committing to giving a huge monthly dollar amount at church

........renouncing our culture's norms to live a 'simple' life


Even though those things might be present in an "ALL IN" life... the danger of identifying one or more of those actions as "ALL IN" is pretty clear. When we use this sort of 'checklist'... we are smack dab in the middle of legalism. Really, this thinking just promotes the idea that you can actually achieve perfection... I mean, what arbitrary number of items on the checklist will it take to reach "ALL IN"? 1? 5? 10? That's not something I find in the Bible.

And, if there isn't a 'magic number' of items to check off... won't there always be at least one more thing I can "DO"? Is it possible to "DO" it all? And, if I can't "DO" it all... then, am I really "ALL IN"? Wow, what a little hamster's wheel *that* is.... it sounds exhausting physically & spiritually.


Hmmm... so, if my actions alone can't get me to the "ALL IN" line... then what does?

What about my motivation for the actions? What if the "ALL IN" line is crossed not at the moment I DO "great" things for Him.... but at the moment of choice to follow Him wherever He leads... to trust Him, come what may. Isn't this the very picture of relationship with God? Me, taking my meager offering (laying down the life HE gave me in the first place)... and in return, He guides me by His perfect plan.

I think that's pretty close... except it sounds like a one-time-shot. One choice, once & for all. I don't know about you... but that's not my experience. Mainly because... I keep waking up. And many of the choices I made yesterday... well, they are back in front of me again today. Just because I chose to trust Him yesterday, doesn't mean I won't crash & burn today.

*sigh*


So, honestly - I'm just not sure what the answer is to this question. I have had moments where I could say with 100% certainty that YES, I AM ALL IN! I've had a taste of it, and I have to say - there is joy & peace there!

But.... then, I have those *other* moments that aren't so "inspirational" for anyone around me!


Maybe that just makes me an "ALL IN".... in progress.

staying dry...

Personally, I think this post will make the most sense if you read my previous one before you read this one. But, hey... if not, I can summarize it pretty quickly: I talked about the realization that I was camping out in a 'middle ground' that doesn't really exist.

...hmmm, wait. 'Realization' is a nice, pleasant word, but it does make it sound like something "I" did... so instead, let's say... this:

"I talked about getting smacked up side the head with the fact that I was camping out in a middle ground that doesn't really exist."

Ok... yes, that's much more accurate!

So..... anyway, what does that mean exactly, you ask?

Yeah.... good question! I asked it, too. What came to mind is this... you can be NEAR water, but if you want to experience it fully - you have to get wet. There is NO middle ground there... you either stay dry or you get wet. Period.

The following piece comes from that thought.

(and, yes - I realize if you know me... this hiking/camping analogy is a stretch... but just go with it!)


Here I am on my trail... heading for a campsite. I've learned about an amazing waterfall... and I HAVE to go! And, I'm not "just" going - I'm going ALL OUT. I mean, sure... I could have stayed back at the cabins where "the tourists" stay... but I'm serious about this. I am ALL ABOUT this waterfall experience - unlike "those other people", I want to experience it completely.

So, I hike. Pretty soon, I come to a ridge with the most amazing view. Seriously... AMAZING! I can see it, I can hear it. I can take breath-taking photos. And... as I survey the area, I begin to realize how smart I would be to camp here. In fact, I can see now that it has been used often by previous campers. Why, this just might be "the" perfect campsite! And the best part is, my stuff won't get wet from the waterspray. Of course, that wasn't really my original plan, but now that I'm here... I'm starting to see how much better this would be!

For a brief moment, I think about what I set out to do. I remember how I was really looking forward to feeling that spray of water on my face and how I wanted to reach out my hand & touch the falls! But... I quickly decide this is a lot more sensible. After all, I'm so close - I can hike over there in a matter of minutes. I guess you might even call this "middle ground". Kind of perfect in a way, now that I think about it. Not back at the cabins with "those people". And, not camped out IN the water (I mean, really - who does that?) Yeah... middle ground sounds just about right.

So, I unpack. Set up. Arrange. Prepare. I take breaks here & there... and snap off about a thousand pictures. I am so drawn to that view! I even spend some time watching others who made it to the base of the falls.... they seem to really enjoy the feel of being there. But, now that I've set up camp.... I'm realizing that it's not all that convenient to go over there myself. I've got all this stuff here (it's some good stuff, you know!) - I can't just walk off & leave it unprotected. I would take it with me, buuttt... it's pretty heavy. And, well... I *just* unpacked it. And, now that I think about it, a lot of this stuff would be ruined if it got wet. I decide to think about it some more...

While I'm thinking it over, I want to make sure & use my time wisely... so I busily work around the campsite. After hanging up that hammock, it would seem a shame not to use it... and the sunshine is so nice & warm... very peaceful. Sleep comes so very easily...

As the sun moves across the sky, I wake up with a quick glance at my watch - whew! Where's the day going? Like it or not, the trip will come to an end... but it's still early enough. I should really hike on over the base of the falls... if I'm going to do it at all. Buuutt... now, I'm realizing that I am kind of hungry. I don't guess I'm really prepared to go right this minute.... and there's still this *stuff* to think about. So, while I'm thinking.... I get busy preparing my meal. (Don't you just love the smell of a good campfire?)

And, then I'm busy eating my meal.

And, cleaning up after my meal.

And, resting after my meal.

Ok. I've given this enough thought. You know what? I'm just going to hike over to that waterfall right now. As I grab my boots & start to put them on... I notice someone rushing up to my campsite with a sense of urgency. It's a uniformed soldier and he says that I have to leave immediately. There's a wildfire headed straight for my campsite & there is not a minute to waste. Well, wait a minute, I say... I don't see anything, I don't even smell the smoke... surely there's time for me to get over to that waterfall. I mean it's the whole reason I came here. It won't take long at all, I'm so close!

Sorry, he says. Orders are to leave immediately. Shocked & saddened, I nod and start to gather my stuff. No, he says... you don't understand. I mean immediately... and with that, he whisks me out of the campsite, empty handed. At once, I realize that all of my belongings... all of my stuff.... those things that I fretted over, hovered over & protected... they are now gone forever, just like my chance to have that waterfall experience. Had I only realized that they were truly just temporary... that I would lose them anyway, maybe I would not have let them keep me from the part of the trip that was most important!

And, another thing occurs to me now, too... that there really wasn't any such thing as 'middle ground', after all. There was simply the choice to stay dry... or go get wet.

can we just be real?

I want REAL. Like the kind of WANT a 2-yr-old, tantrum-throwing child has when she is only satisfied with that one beloved toy & throws everything else to the ground. I want 'real' from those around me and I want it from myself.

And, that's why I haven't posted in a while, I guess. It's not that I haven't had time... and it's not exactly that I've had 'writer's block'. I've even started a couple of pieces that I suspect will stay in 'draft' mode forever... and more than a few that I just erased completely. There was just nothing where I could feel any real depth. And, as much as I love you joining me on this blogging project (all 3 of you!! *lol*)... in my heart, I know that I am not doing this for an audience. My purpose here (as best as I know it) is simply to raise my hand and point to something I see God doing. (With all emphasis, of course, on God - not on me.) For me, He is what's real - and it's getting harder & harder to settle for less.

So, all that just begs the question... "What is God doing around my life right now?" With a build up like that, I better have something pretty good, right?

Well, here's the REAL answer for you: I only wish I knew! I am certain He's working, but I'm getting to see only little glimpses right now. For instance, here is my latest little glimpse of this picture He is creating in & around my life. I write it knowing very well that it may lose just about everything in the translation... that it is likely something that only interests me. But, today I feel the need to point to what I see Him doing.... without regard to how it might "read".

Sunday morning, I just happened to check in on a friends blog. I never (let me think here... yep, that's right - NEVER) get on the computer before church on Sunday morning. And, thinking about it... landing on that blog seems now almost completely random. I love her blog (thanks, btw, Jess!), but it had been a while since I had checked in on any blogs. I read a bit, caught some new thoughts she's just learned from her Beth Moore study (always love a good Beth Moore-inspired post!)... and get about half way down the page. Ohhhh... cool... she linked a Casting Crowns video!

I absolutely love CC... and low & behold... it's one of my all-time favorite songs, Somewhere in the Middle. One that's not on the radio too much, but goodness knows I've worn out that cd track. And here's another interesting twist... as many times as I've listened to that song - I don't guess I've ever looked at the words while it was playing. This just happened to be one of the youtube videos with just sound & lyrics. (Are you catching all of the "just happened to be's" yet??)

So, even though I've heard the song too many times to count, I'm actually soaking in the lyrics in a new way. And, then... one particular comment in her blog catches my attention. Talking about fear, she wrote... "This is where I’ve staked a tent and camped out for WAY too long now. ”Somewhere in the Middle.” Knowing all that He’s done, and yet not fully trusting in all He’ll do."

This really struck a chord for me. Hard to explain, but it was both in a way that was all-at-once and yet seeming to confirm something I knew all along. Yeah, I get it. I've really been camped out in this middle ground too. Not exactly in the same way my friend was describing, but definitely a middle ground of my own. Too far into this relationship with God to even want to go back, but still holding back from those last few steps to the 'all in' line. My middle ground. I went so far as to add a little comment to her blog about sharing that campsite... and realizing it was time to break camp.

Fast forward one hour. I'm now sitting in the sanctuary at church. The music has faded & our pastor begins to speak. THE...FIRST.... WORDS.... out of his mouth?

"Write this down: there is no middle ground."

(pause for effect here...)

So.... you're getting that, right? Well, even if you aren't.... I sure did! In fact, let's cut to re-play...

9am - realizing that I seem to be camped out in a middle ground (exact words)
10am - hearing from God (loud & clear!) that 'middle ground' (exact words)?.... well, it doesn't exist.

Now, that I've had a little time to soak in it... what I sense Him saying is something like this... "You are right about the need to break camp... but you need to know the truth about where your campsite REALLY is.... because you are WAY too comfortable in what you are calling 'middle ground'!"

I did say I wanted 'REAL', right?

Passing this along...

We are in the midst of preparing for our revival services at church... this was today's devotional by our pastor. I really wanted to share it... so here it is:

We all share a deep desire to be more intimate and more devoted to God. Like I mentioned yesterday, I believe we all love God, but we sometimes are not experiencing being in love with him. It often seems like there is something that gets in the way of that kind of heart-felt, devotional love. We all have the desire to give our hearts to Him, but this desire is often shared with desires for a lot of other stuff. As John Piper puts it, our decreased hunger for God is not because He is unsavory, but because we keep ourselves stuffed with other things. In other words, we are so full of food, entertainment, work, play, kids, school, friends, and life that we have no appetite left for God.

There is nothing wrong with all those things. It is not the big things that rob us of our hunger for God. It is the constant nibbling at the table of the world that leaves us so full that we have no appetite left for him! I run into this problem every Thanksgiving. I get excited about the family and the fellowship, but I really like the meal. All day long, I nibble and snack and when the main meal comes, I don’t really enjoy it.

In our lives, we are nibbling on work, family, computers, investing, TV, internet, gaming, sports, school, shopping, exercising, talking on the phone, home repair, and even our Christian walk. While all these are fine, taken together they can leave us so full that we have nothing left for God. Wouldn’t it be great to be so full of God we didn’t have room for the rest? Oh, to experience such fullness!

There's even a little more ... click on his link over on the right side of my blog to check it out!

A Special Reminder...

Earlier today, I returned from my weekly route with Meals on Wheels with a smile. I'm a few months into this project... and I just have to say - if you've ever thought about checking it out... DO IT! It's a great service, pretty easy to do & I just bet drivers are needed in your area, wherever that may be.

But, as much as I like the feeling of being helpful... really, the truth is that I *get* more than I give. Today, I'm pretty sure I heard a well-placed reminder from God through a conversation with one of the sweet friends I deliver to. I'm 100% sure that she didn't realize she was saying something that would touch my heart and speak into my life... but I believe God knew I needed a special reminder.

'Sis' is a dear lady that has become very special to me & I always enjoy our moments of conversation. I've gotten to hear lots about her childhood as she talks through some of her memories. Today, we again talked of her school days as a young girl. When she mentioned a "Victory Party", I was intrigued & inquired deeper. She explained that the students would host a variety show, of sorts, and would charge 'victory stamps or bonds' for admission. But, as she was explaining it, one particular memory came to the surface for her & she shared it with me.

For one of these parties, Sis & some other girls had prepared a dance to perform. Come show night, Sis even had a new handmade dress to wear for the occasion. As the performance began, she danced her heart out. But, after a few moments into the dance... the sleeves of her brand new dress came off! Her mom had basted the sleeves onto the dress, but had forgotten to go back and run a permanent seam. Sweet, tender-hearted Sis was mortified & began to well up with tears. But, her teacher came instantly to the rescue with love & reassurance that it was all ok. Even as Sis relayed this to me today, some 70 odd years later, the resulting calm & peace from that loving gesture was unmistakeable. Sis wasn't really laughing as she told me the story, as you might think. She told it just as she remembered it... sweetly... fondly. And after a pause, she told me this: "Adults sometimes don't understand the impact they have on a small child."

Now, maybe you're thinking... sweet story.... but??? What's your point? It's this... right now in my real life (away from this computer) I'm preparing for another year as a teacher in an early childhood setting. After 5 years in my cozy, comfortable spot, I've agreed to change age-levels. In other words, I've set myself up for lots of change. None of it is "bad" at all... it's just change! And, I've been somewhat consumed with it (and the multiple other examples of change occuring in my life at the moment, by the way!) I'll admit, I've been struggling a little bit to find my footing.

So, what impacts me most about her story today is this: All these years later, what does Sis remember? The love & kindness her teacher gave to her. It was evident in her expression & in her voice as she retold this event. It has stayed with her all these years.

This is certainly a lesson I already "knew"... and I believe it with all my heart. But, I feel that God wanted me to hear the emotion in her voice and see the expressions on her face... as a tangible reminder. As important as letters & numbers & colors are in the life of a pre-schooler... and as important as it is to plan & prepare... I think He wanted me to keep in mind the ~most~ important aspect of my job which is simply to love.


"Love never fails" (1 Cor 13:8a)

Walking Through It...

As of this past Monday... a particular season of my life came to a close. (Well, barring any bona fide miracles, that is.) I took my youngest child to his first day of kindergarten... and left empty handed! After almost 10 years of having a little one by my side 24/7... it was over. Just like that. Over!! One minute, I was clicking off pictures & all smiles... the next minute, I was a teary-eyed mess! I knew I had to get out of there quick... and have a little "moment" to collect myself.

My husband seemed mildly surprised at my reaction (like... "uhhh - you're not *really* going to get too carried away here, are you?") But, I tear up for books, movies, weddings of people who are practically strangers to me.... even a good commercial every once in a while, for goodness sakes!! What was he thinking? This was certainly a good occasion for a few teardrops, right?!

I guess to be completely honest though... I was surprised at myself, too. I knew it would be an emotional day... but, here's the thing... I think that because I could see this situation coming (after all, I had those same 10 years to prepare)... and I had given it some thought as to how it would feel.... that somehow I believed I could escape the emotional impact of walking t-h-r-o-u-g-h it. It was like right smack dab in the middle of it, I realized --- "ohhhh... now I see.... this really is hard."

Funny thing is... this scenario has been playing out repeatedly for me lately. I think I see what's coming & then I'm overwhelmed when it comes to pass. I'm not sure I've discovered any great pearls of wisdom here... except maybe this... if you see a reoccuring pattern - pay attention! There's gotta be a lesson in it.

And, probably more important...

I've certainly been reminded of the necessity of prayer. Most of the time, we tend to sideline prayer... we see it as something optional. But, there are days when your spirit will truly need it to take those next few steps forward. Because it is in prayer we realize that we aren't walking t-h-r-o-u-g-h it alone.




"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7